I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...