I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...