I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Quote by Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
What a nice night for an evening.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...