I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep...

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep...

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Housekeeping ain't no joke

Housekeeping ain't no joke