I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.