Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another...

I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another...

Real success is finding your lifework in the worth that you love.

Real success is finding your lifework in the worth that you love.

If you tell someone you love them make sure you mean it before going and...

If you tell someone you love them make sure you mean it before going and...