My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come...

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come...

I wouldn't mind dying in a plane crash. It'd be a good way to go....

I wouldn't mind dying in a plane crash. It'd be a good way to go....

To me, life is like the back nine in golf. Sometimes you play better on...

To me, life is like the back nine in golf. Sometimes you play better on...

Never spend your money before you have it.

Never spend your money before you have it.