My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...