If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...