If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.