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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
#Funny
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
#Funny
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...
#Funny
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#Jokes
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...
#Funny
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#Jokes
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...
#Life
How young can you die of old age?
#Age
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#Funny
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
#God
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
#God
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
#Funny
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
#Funny
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...
#Funny
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
#Funny
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
#Funny
At one point he decided enough was enough.
#Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
#Funny
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#Life
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
#Employees
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
#Funny
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#Wisdom
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...
#Steven Wright
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