I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Quote by Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
How young can you die of old age?
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.