I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Quote by Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.