I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...