I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.

Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration.

Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration.