I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...