I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.