I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.