I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...