I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.