I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?