I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Quote by Steven Wright
Steven Wright Quotes
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
At one point he decided enough was enough.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...
I invented the cordless extension cord.
So, do you live around here often?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?