Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...