Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.