Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?