How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Funny Quotes, Wisdom Quotes

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.