How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
Quote by Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...
The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.