It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...