Hermits have no peer pressure.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.