When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need?
Quote by Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.