When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need?

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Canada Quotes

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...