When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need?
Quote by Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'