In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.