I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Quote by Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...
How young can you die of old age?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...
So, do you live around here often?
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...