I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Funny Quotes

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I owe much to my friends; but, all things considered, it strikes me that I...

I owe much to my friends; but, all things considered, it strikes me that I...

The life of a man who deliberately runs through his fortune often becomes a business...

The life of a man who deliberately runs through his fortune often becomes a business...