When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.

Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.

It was nice growing up with someone like you; someone to lean on, someone to...

It was nice growing up with someone like you; someone to lean on, someone to...

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.