When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

Basketball isn't as popular in Canada as it is in the US. Hockey is by...

Basketball isn't as popular in Canada as it is in the US. Hockey is by...

The trend now is to shoot in Canada because it's cheaper, and they don't care...

The trend now is to shoot in Canada because it's cheaper, and they don't care...