You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes, Irony Quotes

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.