You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes, Irony Quotes

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.