You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes, Irony Quotes

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that...

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that...

Never let an angry sister comb your hair.

Never let an angry sister comb your hair.