I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.