Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Quote by Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
How young can you die of old age?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...