How young can you die of old age?
Quote by Steven Wright
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.