How young can you die of old age?
Quote by Steven Wright
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...