I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?