What a nice night for an evening.
Quote by Steven Wright
Steven Wright Quotes
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
So, do you live around here often?
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.