What a nice night for an evening.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...