It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...