Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?