Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.