Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...