Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

If you help someone and expect a return its not help.

If you help someone and expect a return its not help.

Without discipline, there's no life at all.

Without discipline, there's no life at all.