I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Funny Quotes

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...