The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.