The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...