The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?