The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...