The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.