I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...