When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Quote by Steven Wright
Steven Wright Quotes
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...