I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm...

Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm...

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

No one acts more foolishly than a wise man in love.

No one acts more foolishly than a wise man in love.