I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Books Quotes, Funny Quotes

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...