I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Books Quotes, Funny Quotes

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

The farewell between Hitler and Mussolini at the station was very affectionate. Both men were...

The farewell between Hitler and Mussolini at the station was very affectionate. Both men were...

The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep...

The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep...