I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Quote by Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...