I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.