I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Quote by Steven Wright
Steven Wright Quotes
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...