I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Woody Allen Quotes

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to...

Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to...

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in...

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in...

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when...

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when...

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done...

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done...

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very...

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very...

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to...

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to...