I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Woody Allen Quotes

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through...

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through...

I am two with nature.

I am two with nature.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in...

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in...

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to...

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to...

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of...

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of...

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much...

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much...

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard...

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard...

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing.

You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing.

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to...

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to...

Money is the best cosmetic

Money is the best cosmetic