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80% of success is showing up.

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80% of success is showing up.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it

,

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in...

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in...

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue...

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The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue...

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

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The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

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How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

,

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

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In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they...

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And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they...

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard...

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard...

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.