Quotes by Woody Allen

80% of success is showing up.

#Inspirational, #Success

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it

#Love, #Sex

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

#Chess, #Funny

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

#Funny

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

#Funny

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up

#Success

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

#God

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in...

#God

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

#God

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard...

#God

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

#God

And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they...

#Funny, #Parents