I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Woody Allen Quotes

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

80% of success is showing up.

80% of success is showing up.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when...

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when...

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had...

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had...

And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they...

And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they...

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone...

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone...

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some...

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some...

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by...

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by...