If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Quote by Woody Allen
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They...
I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by...
The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue...
A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move...
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come...
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into...
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue...
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had...
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil....
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by...
Ambition is the last refuge of failure.
Failures are like skinned knees; painful, but superficial.
The day you decide to do it is your lucky day
It is a mistake to suppose that men succeed through success; they much oftener succeed...