I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

A theory may be so rich in descriptive possibilities that it can be made to...

A theory may be so rich in descriptive possibilities that it can be made to...

We should pay as much reverence to youth as we should to age; there are...

We should pay as much reverence to youth as we should to age; there are...

Dancing is wonderful training for girls, it's the first way you learn to guess what...

Dancing is wonderful training for girls, it's the first way you learn to guess what...