I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not...

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not...

Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in...

Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in...