I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?