If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?