I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Funny Quotes

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.