I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?