I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.