I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

Oh, you're dating my ex...I thought the five second rule was for food only...

Oh, you're dating my ex...I thought the five second rule was for food only...

It is the woman who chooses the man who will choose her.

It is the woman who chooses the man who will choose her.

The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.

The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.