I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.