I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.