I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Quote by Steven Wright
Steven Wright Quotes
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.