I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.