I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?