It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.