I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.