A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Funny Quotes

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?