A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Funny Quotes

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...