Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Funny Quotes, Money Quotes

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only...

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only...

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to...

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to...

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone...

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone...

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of...

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of...

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there...

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there...

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it...

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it...

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I...

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I...

Marriage is the death of hope.

Marriage is the death of hope.

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more...

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more...

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the...

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the...

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to...

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to...

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had...

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had...

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not...

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not...

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when...

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when...

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come...

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come...