Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Funny Quotes, Money Quotes

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get...

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get...

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of...

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of...

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves...

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves...

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much...

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much...

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through...

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through...

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go...

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go...

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

I took the speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's...

I took the speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's...

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one...

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one...

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the...

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the...

People are constantly saying, 'How's it feel to have such an impact?' I just want...

People are constantly saying, 'How's it feel to have such an impact?' I just want...

But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your...

But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your...

The wound is the place where the Light enters you.

The wound is the place where the Light enters you.

I wonder sometimes if the motivation for writers ought to be contempt, not admiration.

I wonder sometimes if the motivation for writers ought to be contempt, not admiration.